Finding satisfaction during your PhD [The strength is within!]

I almost gave up my PhD at the end of the 2nd year! Why? Well, I won't sell the idea here that my PhD was the most terrible experience or that my story was the worst PhD story ever. That being said, it wasn't easy either.

I started my PhD doing a project that had a theme around the neuroprotective effect of nicotine in models of central nervous systems ischemia. However, soon after I started, my project was changed to testing new thiadiazolidinediones. Well, I had no idea what these drugs were and what GSK-3beta, the target of such drugs, was.

At the end of the 2nd year I had no vision of a thesis in my mind, nor experiments that seemed to make even a skeleton of a thesis. I was involved in many projects at one time, but did not see the end of any of them. I started having insomnia and some stomach problems, I was gaining weight, the Atlantic separating me from my best friends and family. I started to feel like I was dealt the losing hand in a bad deal. Working long hours with poorpay, deadlines on the horizon, a pressure to produce reports and slow-moving experiments, I was ready to give up. Each day, I woke up and did not want to go to work!

I started talking to some friends in the lab and, at the same time, restarting my yoga practice. I realised a change had to come from within me. My surroundings would stay the same, and I was wouldn't be happy with myself if I gave up. I think the combination of these two things (talking to colleagues and stress relief) sparked a huge change in the next two years. I believe that talking to colleagues can make you realise you might be having too many negative thoughts and you need to see the good things happening around you too. Others can bring their own perspective about the same environment. Hopefully, you can find a colleague that is thriving in the same environment than you. If that is the case, an honest talk can give you insights on how to cope with the daily life at your work place.

Of course, there is bullying and harassment more often than one would like. If that is the case, I recommend i) finding help within your institution (to solve the problem) and ii) counselling on your own (to cope the effects of it in a sustainable way). Otherwise, being a temporary position, one has to balance the pros and cons of leaving a PhD unfinished. I remember a colleague saying "think of your project as being yours, not your supervisor's". I don't think my colleague and friend Javi has any idea of how much that sentence prevented me from breaking apart. Being ahead of everyone and especially my supervisor in all aspects related to my project was a good start. Somehow it made me feel like I was the expert, and it motivated me so much to be able to give suggestions for next experiments before my supervisor could even think about my current results. I bet she was happier as well to see I was much more interested in my project.

The yoga was great too, and I am not suggesting it is the solution for everyone, but finding something that motivates you outside of work and that takes the stress away was really important for me. I believe I would have the same results running everyday, meditating or going to the gym, for example. Just pick yours! Having a stress free mind made me realise what was wrong with my pattern of thinking until then. I was always assuming that things would get worse, that my supervisor was angry at me, that my colleagues were advancing more than me, etc. After these two simple things, (my regular yoga practice and finding my own way of leading my project), I could see things more clearly and started having more positive thoughts. I realised others around were also having bad days once in a while, bad experiments, and their frustrations were (almost)never related to me. Equally, comparing my project to theirs made no sense, as techniques, expectations, and side projects were not the same. My supervisor had her own life and sometimes she had her own issues too. Not everyone can keep a good mood when they are having problems. If this were happening today, I would read a book that I only got to know years later, "Stop thinking, start living" by Richard Carlson. I really recommend it.

I started looking better, feeling better, communicating better and I made the decision to finish my PhD. It didn't take too long until I was the one serving as a support net to my colleagues. I started having my own ideas, writing my own articles and even being a corresponding author in 2 of them. I have to thank my supervisor for giving me the credit for my hard work. I also had around 12 articles published by the end of my PhD. Being a corresponding author during your PhD or having 12 articles at the end of your PhD is a very unusual thing, so do not expect that to happen. I say this only to illustrate how having a better mental attitude can change your thoughts, and as a consequence, the way you feel and your emotions. As a result you feel more confident and get more out of your job and abilities. I finished my PhD, having to write in Spanish and reading all the reference articles in English, both not my native languages. So I feel accomplished and proud of the result of my work, all due to a shift in how I framed things and relieving stress often.

I hope the story can inspire you if you are struggling with your PhD. I am sure you can find the strength within you!

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#phd #burnout #anxiety #work #selfcare