Is this an abusive relationship?

Lately, a big surge in the use of counselling, psychotherapy, psychology and psychiatry terms started becoming main stream on internet. It is understandable that people suffering with relationship problems look around on internet to understand what they are going through. When relationships are very complicated it is very difficult even to experts to diagnose people and certainly not always necessary. However…Can I ask a question? I mean another one? Thanks.

Why are you reading this and looking for labels, symptoms and diagnostic criteria?

The reason I am asking this question is that behind this search there is an important piece of evidence. If you are worried whether there is something odd about your relationship to the point of digging around, more often than not you are right. Why would you spend time searching on internet for abusive relationship advice?

Before moving ahead let me tell you this: abusive is abusive, you don't need a label or permission to move away. If in any way, shape or form you believe that you are in a relationship that is anything less than nurturing, it is your right to move away if you decide to do so. Again, it is your right to move away if you decide to do so. It is of little use to know if you are dating a bad person, a person affected by narcissistic, borderline, histrionic personality disorder or a full psychopath. You don't need to label your partner to understand that a relationship is not healthy. The fact that you are not getting what you expect from the relationship should be enough for you to take your way out. It is not your responsibility to find the solution to another adult's life problems. I am not saying here you should have no empathy, but the only responsibility you have in life is to take care of your own needs and wants, considering that you are respecting others boundaries. The only exception in which an adult is responsible for another person's needs and wants is if they are their children or an adult that they are the main carer.

But we are talking about romantic relationships, and I am interested in discussing what is considered abuse in such circumstances.

What consists of an abusive relationship?

Like I mentioned before, anything less than nurturing can be considered as an abusive relationship. Cohesion, confusion and investigation can happen accidentally in normal relationship. However, if you are experiencing these things in your relationship very often and continuously, you are in an abusive relationship:

Coercion

If any sort of Coercion is happening in a continuous basis in your relationship, than you are in an abusive relationship. If someone is forcing you do things you do not want to do, that is abusive. Coercion can come in an overt form using things like threats, assaults and humiliation. It can also be covert and more tricky to identify. When you feel you are constantly doing things against you will not to upset, disappoint, avoid anger attacks, avoid suicide threats or any other delayed unpleasant reaction from your partner as withdrawing love and affection you are being covertly coerced and therefore abused.

Confusion

If you are constantly experiencing confusion when you talk to you partner it might be a sign that communication is not straightforward. Some of the things your partner might use to manipulate you are lying, denying or changing things that they previously said, telling you something and behaving in opposite ways, constantly devaluing you before praising you, shifting the focus of the talk to you so they are not accountable for their actions (especially bringing up things you feel uncomfortable about you, or convincing you that you must have a mental problem or a character defect that justifies their behaviours or feelings).

Investigation

If any of these things are happening in your relationship, in a constant basis, you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is reading your e-mails, text messages, mail or personal diary to control every communications and thoughts you have. This is a non invited invasion of your external physical boundaries. Usually, the information is used to control you or manipulate you. On the other hand, If you feel the need of constantly violate your partner’s boundaries and his e-mails, text messages, mail or personal diary it might be a sign that you already know something is odd. I am not being condescending with these kinds of behaviours and as you can see I described them as being abusive. I would advise you to stop that immediately as it is also illegal. However, the message here is clear, if this is happening is a big indication something is off!

A total different aspect here is that if you your life suddenly transformed into an investigation of what is abusive and what is not, chances are that something is wrong with this relationship. It is very likely toxic.

Conclusions

People are imperfect and we make mistakes that might end up hurting our loved ones. If it happens sporadically, that's understandable. However, abusive relationships are characterised by continuous use of these unfair ways of communication and behaviours. Knowing exactly what kind of abuser your partner is not the most important question when there is a big white elephant in the room here. Is your relationship abusive or not? That is the question you need to ask yourself. The most important thing is to protect yourself from further psychological trauma if the answer is yes. If you see these three things, than protect yourself. You have now two choices 1) break up and go away from this person 2) seek help to solve the problems you find in your relationship. The way you go is up to you and only you. However, I would like to highlight that it is not your responsibility to fix people, especially those who hurt you. If your partner is abusive, they might never change even if you can convince them to go to therapy with you. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and make sure it doesn’t happen anymore in this relationship or any other you might enter. It is your responsibility to make sure you have your needs and wants met. It is your responsibility to make sure people respect your boundaries. If you are not entirely sure how you entered and stayed in an abusive relationship you might like to start counselling to help you to better understand this issue.